"What"s wrong with your partner? With your relationship? With you as a lover? If you"re like most people, you probably dwell on this question a lot. Our intimate relationships are an area where it"s particularly easy to look for what"s wrong. We are experts at describing in great detail not only what isn"t right about our partners, but also what"s wrong with our jobs, our mothers, our teachers, our bodies, our government and our bank accounts. When we look for what"s wrong, we are actually viewing our lives through the narrowest possible lens, zooming in on all the places where our expectations haven"t been met, where others have failed to meet our needs, and where the world doesn"t look the way we have decided it should. When we"re looking for what"s wrong, our eyes focus on the negative qualities of others, spotting their weaknesses and their incompetencies.
The moment we find something wrong, we automatically point our fingers in blame at the other person or situation. It"s so easy to find fault. Finding fault with others is the lazy person"s out. I"ve done it a million times myself. I"ve pointed my finger at others instead of taking responsibility for the reality I see. I have been guilty of blaming my boss, my boyfriend, my coach, and even my mother for my discontent. Making others wrong becomes an excuse we use to justify our moods and our bad behavior. Looking for what"s wrong allows us to avoid responsibility for our circumstances. But it also prevents us from seeing the perfection that exists in our lives right now.
This question - "Am I looking for what"s right or am I looking for what"s wrong?" - has the power to shift a moment of despair into a moment of delight. It refocuses the lens of our perception in an instant. Suddenly we are able to see the good in every person and every situation. Looking for what"s right launches us into a state of appreciation where even mundane experiences can delight us. Our mood lifts as we begin to notice the perfection that exists all around us. We no longer waste our precious time and energy making our partners wrong. Instead, we take that moment to focus on all that is right, all there is to appreciate, and all we have to be grateful for. And in so doing, a whole new level of love and intimacy becomes available to us.
This might be the most important question we can ask ourselves if we are truly committed to living a life filled with ease and contentment. Think for a moment about what would happen if we changed the lens through which we view those around us. How would our lives alter if we saw our co-workers as divine beings who have come to impart essential wisdom to us? What would happen if we listened to our neighbors as though they were the wisest people in the world? And what would be possible if we related to our partners as though their sole purpose was to bring us ecstasy and joy? What would we hear? What would we see? What would be possible? What new joy would we be able to extract from our current relationship?
As writer Marcel Proust reminds us, "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing through new eyes." Training ourselves to use this question allows us to do just that. Looking for what"s right is a life-enhancing choice - a choice that promises peace, contentment and fulfillment.
"I have finally found my soul-mate, my life"s partner, and to my surprise it"s my own husband! I now have the intimate, exciting relationship I always desired." - Laurina Anderson, Tampa, Florida
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